I don’t know about you but most of us, including me, have had recent and past words said to us that hurt a lot, right?
They were so hurtful, especially when repeated, that we don’t even have to even think about when, where or with whom they occurred. In some cases they came from a parent or other family member. Some of you remember the words of someone in school or a teacher.
Perhaps more recently, it’s been a boss or coworker who put you down, shamed you, told lies or called you out unfairly in a meeting, informal gathering or even online.
Some of you will recall the common, little verbal maxim that was supposed to help you feel better about what others said. Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me?
Unfortunately, very few found that to be true. It’s hard to let go of words said that made us look bad, embarrassed or shamed us and took a toll on our value as a person.
Well, I have some good news and a related challenge for you in today’s post. Let me start with the challenge part. Since it’s so easy for us to remember the pain of words said to us, why don’t we all keep evaluating OUR word choices with family, coworkers, neighbors, friends and well, people in general.
One of the most striking verses on communication is found in the book of Proverbs, chapter 18, verse 21. Get this. . . . “The tongue has the power of life and death.” We could summarize it this way: What we say can add life to someone, while some of our words tend to kill.
Now, in most cases, our words don’t literally take a life, although bullying has led to some young people committing suicide as a result. But in most cases the “death” intended here is more the death of our personhood. When your personhood is dying, you start to think you’ve lost any ability to matter, be important or receive love.
So my challenge first is this. Are your words ever more words of death than life? Here are a couple of guidelines. Death speech often has the words never and always in them. “You always screw things up, don’t you? You’re never going to amount to anything.” Words of death tend to focus on character not just actions. “You’re just a baby,” or “You’re really stupid, aren’t you.” “You can’t do anything right.”
Words of life can still be challenging and corrective, but they can be said in a life-giving way. “You know, Ron, I think you have a great idea for our team, but let’s talk about how to make that work within our parameters on this job.”
Or for a child, “I appreciate that you wanted to help mom and me, but next time we need you to ask us first about a project that we haven’t talked about together.”
Of course, words of life also include perhaps the obvious, but ones often overlooked like, I love you, I’m proud of you, thank you, you really have a talent for . . . . It’s so easy to ignore words of life, even though we might not say many of the words of death variety.
Take inventory on your words. “The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life.” Proverbs 15:2. Ask someone you know and trust how you do with your words.
But I promised some good news, too. Unfortunately, we won’t ever in this life be able to avoid words of death. An old TV show and I mean really old show was called, Kids Say The Darndest Things. An emcee would interview young children about all sorts of topics and often their responses were hilarious.
However, there could also be a show today called, Adults Say Some of The Stupidest or Unkindest Things. And while that may not change, there are some ways to not let those words get to us like the ones in our past have done.
How? First, re-visit who you are as a Christian and Christ-follower. While none of us are perfect, we are children of God if we’ve given our heart to Jesus. God’s now our Father and loves us in spite of our faults, enough for Jesus to die on the cross in our place, rise again and live within us through His Spirit.
Psalm 18:19 says, “He (God) rescued me because He delighted in me.” We’ve also been given new thinking (Romans 12:2) and now the names and other words of death that may still come our way make us sad, but not depressed. They may irritate but we don’t have to feel rage.
As Paul said in II Corinthians 4:8, he gets, “We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed, perplexed but not despairing; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down but not destroyed,:
These life-stealing comments may some concern but there’s no need to panic. They may irritate us, but there’s no need for rage. And when appropriate words come our way to correct us, we can listen and learn without wanting to quit. “He who listens to life-giving rebuke will be at home with the wise.” Proverbs 15:31.
The more we use words of life, the more we’ll speak them to others and respond in new, healthier ways. And we’ll put a stop to the false implications that we tend to let sink too far into our soul.
And I don’t recommend this alternative but you could also get a transplant like I did. My little joke (with a bit of truth in it) is that nothing said really bothers me anymore because I’m on anti-rejection meds for the rest of my life.
It also helps, however, to have a few sentences or ideas in your back pocket, choices you can make to ease the impact of people’s unkind comments: “Well, you’re right I am the lamest person in the whole state. Did you hear there’s a competition this spring?” Have some fun with it.
Or, “You know I don’t see it that way, in fact, I’m confident you’re wrong but can we still be friends and disagree and be happy when we’re around each other.” Or, you can still ask for more. “Wow, I didn’t realize you felt that way, so I’m open to hearing why, though I may not disagree, but that shouldn’t matter.
You can also try to share why you’re not agreeing or being bothered by their comments while staying calm. “You know, Lesley, I’ve been learning that I don’t have to make everyone happy or pleased with me. I wish I could have come across differently (or whatever the issue), but I did what was best for me and what I thought was the wisest to do.”
But you may have discovered that you yourself say words of death so pick one person that you’re going to improve with and plan on saying something far better and more helpful. See what the result is. Chances are you wish you’d have started long ago, but you know it’s never too late. And the results will be worth it. Now and maybe decades from now.
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